Yes, E Day

My kids are constantly complaining that I Always Say No to Everything Fun. They "never" get to do "anything" they want to do. My four year old had a total meltdown the other afternoon out of such frustration that he *never* gets *his* way.

I read an article several years ago in Wondertime magazine (sadly no longer in print) about having a Yes Day. The mom author of the article promised to say yes to her daughter for a whole day. The idea of a yes day (or hour, week, month, etc) has stuck with me because I think it's great and fun. Kids love to be able to be in charge. But we all know they can't (and should not have to) handle the responsibilities of being in charge all the time.

So I suggested this solution to my sons. A Yes E Day and a Yes H Day. They each penciled in a date on my calendar. We set some guidelines: they each get their own day, so only one boss and less conflict; a budget of what we could spend; rules like I can't say yes to something unsafe or something that would hurt someone.

My friend said her kids would ask "Mommy, can I stay naked all day? Mommy, can I eat off the floor? Mommy, can I eat Daddy's unattended cake?" To these I would reply, "Yes you can stay naked-in our house. If you want to leave our house, you have to get dressed." "Eat away." "No I cannot give you permission to eat someone else's cake. But if you ask Daddy directly, he might let you eat it in the spirit of Yes E Day."

So the day began with seven-year-old E requesting to watch television (an no-no on school mornings) and a special breakfast of French toast and bacon. We skipped the usual academics for playing, writing an email, drawing pictures, pleasure reading. He decided he wanted to go have lunch at the mall. He requested Chik-fil-A but when he saw the ridiculous line, he headed for Five Guys burgers, and got sidetracked by a sample of mall "Cajun" bourbon chicken. He ordered a plate of that with two vegetables on the side (corn and carrots), foregoing the rice/pasta for an extra vegetable. He chose lemonade for a drink. He and his brother shared food peacefully while I got mall sushi, then we headed upstairs to see Gnomeo and Juliet at the movie theater. His budget was gone after lunch and movie tickets, so we skipped treats at the theater.

We headed back toward home and stopped at a local park to meet some friends for a playdate. It had just been renovated (unbeknownst to us) and the kids had a fabulous time. We headed home for a snack break. E wanted to play Wii so he played for about two hours while I read a book to his brother, who passed out in my lap.

For dinner, we had no budget left so E chose from what we already had on our weekly menu. He chose chicken nuggets and salad.

His last request was to stay up a half-hour later than his usual bedtime to watch his favorite television show.

What most surprised me is that he never asked for candy or soda the whole day. I expected he would balk at the usual personal hygeine stuff, or cleaning up toys, or would ask to wear his kajamas all day. But he did those things just like normal routine without fussing. I expected him to be sort of clingy and want my undivided attention...for playing games, reading out loud to him, etc. I had prepared myself mentally to be totally focused on him all day, but that didn't really happen. I had lots of time to read, get a little sewing done, household chores, play with little brother. E was obviously much more interested in getting out of our house and doing fun stuff. This is a good reminder that he is very extroverted, and I am very introverted, and I need to plan "out of our house" time more often.

This coming Tuesday is Yes H Day. With him being the younger of the two boys (he's four) I thought it would be smart to let E go first, so that H would have a better idea of what kind of things he is allowed, and see that Mom says no to the things that are outside our agreed-upon boundaries. Last night as he got in bed, he told Daddy he wanted to change his special day to today! Of course, Mom said no.

Butting Heads

Are you also blessed with a stubborn child? A hard-headed, bull-headed, stalwart child? A perfectionistic child who won't do anything unless he can do it perfectly the first time? An independent child? A fearless child. A natural leader.

I am blessed with two such sons. Today, workbox #3, Field Trip, was replaced with "Fight with Mom for One hour and Ten Minutes over Assigned Chore."

I'm sure the fight wouldn't have lasted so long if I weren't just as bull-headed as he is. I am slowly learning which fights are worth fighting and when it's time to drop the rope, or even not pick it up at all and avoid the tug of war altogether.

You see, over the weekend we had several problems with Thing One not wanting to hang up his clothes in his room. Instead of hanging up two shirts as asked, he hid them under a shelf in the classroom. When I found them, I informed him that he would be helping Mom do all the household laundry this week.

So yesterday he helped me carry them all downstairs, sort them, and load each load into the washer, then the dryer.

Today, I asked him to hang up all his own clothes, and put his underwear and socks away in his drawer. Reasonable, right? He is perfectly capable of doing this job. It is not easy for him, it is a challenge, but well within his capabilities.

Oh, the fits that ensued. Mom, I need your help. I can't do this by myself. It's too hard. It's too much.

It doesn't have to be perfect, I say. It just has to be completed. If you do not finish before this time, we will not be able to go on our field trip, you will not be allowed to come downstairs and visit with the person who is stopping by (for my extrovert son, this is torturous).

For an hour, this continued. Whining, excuses, pleading, begging. I stayed strong but calm. No, I said, I will not do your work for you. To myself I was saying, am I being too harsh on him? Am I just being too stubborn? Am I asking him to do something he's not able to do independently?

Why is this important? I kept asking myself. What do I want him to learn from this experience?I want him to learn to take care of his own things. I want him to appreciate when others do something for him. I want him to learn to be persistent when things are not easy, when he's doing a task he doesn't want to do. I want him to have a sense of accomplishment from finishing a job. By himself.

Then, on the monitor, I heard him say over and over to himself, "It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to get done. It doesn't have to be perfect!"

He's got it! I thought. By george, he's really got it. In five minutes he was done, downstairs having a snack and visiting with our friend.

I envy parents who just know they are doing the right thing all the time. Who have this inner compass, or a set of cultural or religious rules that clearly define how one should approach each and every parenting decision. I struggle constantly with these decisions. Perhaps it's because my experiences with a special needs child in public preschools have made me doubt my parenting skills. I second guess myself constantly, and struggle with consistency. I know we will repeat this scenario in another week or two, with a different chore or school assignment. But by george, today he got it.